Back to square one

I started this blog, then abandoned it, three years ago.

Why?

Because, codependency . . . among other things.

What’s changed?

 ♦  I left my “qualifier” almost two years ago. We’re no longer in a “romantic/committed” relationship and we don’t share a household. However, we’re still completely codependent and enmeshed. So, I guess this falls under “the more things change, the more they stay the same” category.

♦  I was finally diagnosed with PTSD and Bipolar II Disorder, within a couple of months of “ending” the relationship. Both conditions began manifesting while I was a teenager. 30, or so, years of undiagnosed, untreated emotional and psychological chaos have taken their toll.

♦  With the correct diagnoses have come therapy, meds, and entry into a trauma recovery group. So, I’ve made progress . . . sort of. I’m at the, “It gets worse before it gets better,” stage. You know that house cleaning stage where everything is out of sorts, out-of-order, and completely overwhelming? Yeah, that.

♦  I’ve cultivated a support network, mostly online, which includes people who actually know me “in real life.”

♦  My youngest child was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder (HF ASD) about a year and a half ago. She’s turning seven in a little over two weeks.

♦  My middle child birthed my first two grandchildren, about a year apart . . . and all four members of their family live with me and my youngest.

♦  I’ve spent the last 18  months in a reconciliation dance with my oldest child, who legally disowned me just over three years ago. We’re in a much better place than we’ve been in a long time. However, it’s still a challenging relationship, given that we both experience PTSD and can trigger each other simply by being in the same physical space and breathing the same air.

What hasn’t changed?

Just about every anxious or depressed thought and feeling I’ve ever had throughout the past 30 years.

I just skimmed through the few posts I wrote back in 2012 and honestly can’t see where I’ve made progress. Perhaps where I’m at on the depression and PTSD cycles have put blinders on, obstructing my view of myself. However, I think they’ve just amplified the reality.

What now?

Time to start over, again. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve started over. I can’t say that’s all bad. At least it shows I’ve never completely given up. I’m not really a fan of country music, but, this one feels relevant to this stage of my journey.

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