I’m a mess

My son is getting married soon. He doesn’t want to give Evron the time of day because of all the crap he and his sister experienced with Evron while they were growing up and that, as far as he is concerned, Evron appears to have made little to no progress or effort to progress. It’s understandable and valid, after all, it is his wedding.

The problem is that he has chosen to include his youngest sibling, Evron’s daughter, in the wedding. When he made that decision, he was intelligent enough to know if she was going to be there, then her father would be as well.

Evron, being Evron, has little to no concept of how shattered his relationship with my son is. He has only recently hit a kind of bottom in our relationship where he can recognize or admit the damage he has caused in our relationship. In his way of interacting with and viewing the world, his intent means more than his actions and since he feels bad about what he’s done, that should make it all better. At least that’s how it comes across when it doesn’t appear to affect his egocentric attitudes and actions moving forward.

So, back to the wedding.

Since there is another family my son is part of and they are known as his parents by most of the people in his world, I had assumed that we, Evron and I, would not be at the wedding or reception in any role other than as parents of the flower girl.

The truth is that the few people who have met me or know who I really am, know even less about Evron than they do me. I know, based on my son’s own words, that no one in any of the families wants Evron there besides me and his daughter. I had assumed that was also true of me. After all, as far as any of them are concerned I sacrificed my children to my relationship with Evron and have consistently chosen him over them at every turn. In their eyes I have been a willing partner in an almost 20 year cycle of emotional, verbal, and sometimes physical abuse.

Over this past year I have struggled to work through the tip of my codependency iceberg. Realizing and recognizing my codependent behaviors and actions not just with Evron, but with everyone else as well, including my adult children.

I have done my best to back off, step aside and let them work through the things they need to work through, while doing everything in my power to let them know, I will be available when they are ready. At the same time, as I have attempted to respect their boundaries, I’ve been trying to create some of my own.

I live in a constant state of cognitive dissonance, conflicting beliefs and values. I am aware of many of the conflicts between who I want to be and who I am. I am aware that as far as most people are concerned, if I love my children then I would not also have chosen to love and stay with a man who, regardless of reason or underlying cause, caused harm to them or to myself by his words or actions.

I do love my children. Loving someone doesn’t mean you know the right thing to do all the time. I screwed up and made horrendous choices at times. I also did some things right and made good choices based on what I thought they needed and was self aware enough to know I couldn’t provide.

Now, I am doing my best to live within the context and reality of my life as it is now, who I am and believe Evron to be today, with the understanding there is a new child whose life and future we are responsible for, together.

So, there has been reconciliation, forgiveness and acceptance between my son and I. Yet, I somehow believed, expected, and accepted that my continued relationship with Evron meant that my placement in the wedding festivities, would simply be in the capacity as mother of the flower girl, the relatives only in attendance as chauffeur to an underage participant.

I found out differently when I went shopping with my son’s fiancé for the flower girl outfit. Apparently, I am to be seated at the head table alongside her family and my son’s other family, but Evron is to be seated elsewhere. I was completely caught off-guard by this information, and basically stated I wanted to be seated wherever Evron was seated. Primarily because I want to minimize potential disruption to the celebration of their union, not because I am rejecting my son in favor of Evron, again.

I guess my statements came off like an ultimatum. Furthermore, my subsequent interactions with her were perceived as me bullying her to choose the things I liked. What I had thought of as a positive bonding experience had been the exact opposite.

I don’t want my presence and participation in the wedding or pre-wedding activities to diminish or detract from what this is supposed to be. I have opted to avoid the bridal shower because there is at least one person, if not more, who will be in attendance who believes I have utterly failed my son and do not have the right to be there.

After a phone conversation with my son, I learned how my interactions with his fiancé had been perceived and that if I choose to sit with Evron, instead of at the head table, I will be choosing him over my son and to break the relationship bond with my son, again.

So, now I am in an impossible situation. I don’t think it is a deliberate attempt to trigger and highlight Evron’s deficiencies, however it is going to do exactly that.

The wedding is three weeks away, Evron is away on his job. He made a very damaging decision a week and a half ago, that we haven’t really worked through yet, but Evron seems to have moved on from, and there are some serious things going on with Evron’s family.

I’m doing my best to cope with untreated depression and the effects of associated pain, fatigue, and insomnia and not doing a very good job of it.

I wish something would happen with Evron’s job to prevent him from being home in time for the wedding.

There is a quote from the newest Clint Eastwood movie, trouble With The Curve. I have only seen previews, so I don’t know the full context, but there is a conflicted father-daughter relationship between Mr. Eastwood’s character and the character played by Amy Adams. The quote is from her character.

Because I feel this dysfunctional sense of responsibility to see that you’re okay.

I feel like this regarding everyone in the situation, especially my son and his bride. I feel like the only way to keep things okay for their wedding and reception will be to keep things okay with Evron, which will mean making choices to make things not okay between me and my son.

I feel sick.

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