Part of my pattern of dysfunction is biting off more than I can chew. I get all excited, enthusiastic and enthralled with new life projects: Going back to school, joining TEAM in Training to walk a 5k, signing up to write a 50k word novel in a month when all I’ve ever written are college term papers (20 years ago) and 800-1,500 word blog posts, or a brand new blog to focus on health and wellness, creative endeavors, general recovery and healing issues, or a blog to specifically focus on 12-Step Recovery from Codependency.
All. At. The. Same. Time.
Well, not going back to school or doing the 5k thing at this time. But all the other stuff having to do with placing fingers on the keyboard and stringing words together in cohesive and comprehensible ways, yeah, all of that.
Surf the net, find a new location to plug into a blogging community, join a new network, grab a new badge. Start and never quite finish.
Yup, that’s me. Or is it?
I may not have done it well or completely, but I “finished” parenting two of my children to adulthood. Regardless how strained our relationships with each other or and despite the fact one has been adopted as an adult by another family and the other is trying to do the same, I’m still here, available, and working on being present to improve those relationships. They are my children and I love them and I am committed to doing everything I can to be available to them well into their adulthoods. I don’t want them to be 40-something and feeling as though I had given up on them and on me too soon and not be around if and when the time comes and they need me. See, that’s follow through.
I haven’t given up on my own personal healing and recovery process, even though I tend to avoid, deny, and distract myself from it a lot of the time. I always come back and keep trying. That’s perseverance. 20+ years and I finally am recognizing and realizing I’m not the me I thought I was and used to be back then. I’m a new me that doesn’t have to live as a hostage to the mistakes and damage of my past.
Making bad choices and mistakes doesn’t make me a bad person and I’m letting go of the guilt and shame bit by bit. See, that’s progress and forward momentum.
Even though I have abandoned and tried to leave Evron and our relationship behind several times, I have finally reached the point where I’m learning to stifle the “flight” response of my fight or flight reflex when I get overwhelmed with my anxiety and depression and the difficulties in our relationship. Now that I’ve been learning to stop pointing fingers at him and using his stuff as the reason I don’t take care of me, I’ve been better able to see my issues and make intentional changes and shift the dynamic of our relationship, just a little, but it’s still an improvement. See, that’s commitment.
I just completed a 31 day blog challenge on my other blog and now I’m doing another one in the month of November. Now I’m committing another level to my own recovery process and committing to do a 30 posts in 30 days challenge from the BlogHer network, NaBloPoMo.