Didn’t mean to go MIA

I feel like it’s been much longer than a week since I last posted here. It has definitely been way too long. I need to work on my recovery every day and I did the first couple of days, but then I just kind of went missing in my own head as well.

Evron left the job. However, thanks to the work I’d been able to do here and on my other blog, I was able to be very constructive with him. We actually had a very constructive and mutually respectful discussion.

Let me back up.

I had to let go of my need to have him do what I wanted in order to feel secure and safe. I had to trust that God is in control, not me, and that whatever the outcome is, I will be okay. That was really hard and I’m not sure it’s something I’ve conquered. I suspect I’ll be revisiting that one a few more times A LOT.

Once I did that, I realized that when I had tried to convince Evron that I was supporting him regardless of his choices, part of the reason he didn’t believe me is because, for a significant part of me, it was a lie. I was going through the motions and saying the words because I knew they were the “right” thing to say and because, on some level, I believed that by saying those words, he would feel accepted and validated enough to make the choice I wanted him to make.

Sick, sick, sick.

So, against all “reason” and “self-righteousness” an apology was in order.

Humbly, I approached him and told him I owed him an apology. I told him why and explained what was driving my manipulation. I told him that I wanted to mean the words I was saying and that I was trying and asked him to forgive me.

After that the atmosphere and dynamic seemed to do a 180 degree shift.

At least for a little while.

We talked through his decision and discussed his options. With little effort and drama we agreed that, despite the potential negative affects on our daughter, he would return to his previous job that kept him on the road for weeks at a time and he would reconnect with his former partner with the company he’d just gone back to work for as well.

Three days later, he left town.

Now, I have to figure out how to work through my codependency issues without my qualifier triggering my behaviors, thoughts, and feeling multiple times a day, every day of the week.

This presents a whole new aspect of my problem. I’ll get to that later.

For now, I’m going to celebrate the victory.

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