Journal: Binge eating and numbing out

Yesterday was not a good day.

I binged and carbo-loaded. It was like I couldn’t get enough. I ate until I passed the point of discomfort and went into the first twinge of pain. I guess the good news is that I did stop at that point and didn’t keep going.

I knew what I was doing, I knew what was happening as I was opening cupboard doors and examining the contents of the fridge and the freezer. I didn’t want to be doing it, but at the same time I didn’t really want to stop.

I was in full-blown H.A.L.T. meltdown.

Hungry ~ I hadn’t eaten a nutritious breakfast.

Angry ~ I was angry because I knew Evron was going to quit his job. After all the conversations, text messages, and statements from him about the things that were bothering him, I was pretty sure that, even if he didn’t quit yesterday, it would happen before the end of this week.

Lonely ~ I pretty much live in isolation. The only people I see or talk to on a daily basis are Evron and our daughter. On the weekends, if we go to our church, I might get to talk to someone who is little more than a friendly acquaintance for a few minutes, but not usually. The few friends that I could call or chat with online are in different time zones or their lives are very busy and connecting with them is more miss than hit. The one friend who is available to me is as much of a co-dependent qualifier for me as Evron is and I had chatted with her for a while yesterday, but it was more triggering than soothing.

Tired ~ Due to little girls high energy level the previous night I wasn’t able to get to sleep before midnight. Then because Evron had to get up at 2 am to get to work, and I’m a light sleeper, I woke up and had trouble getting back to sleep. So, my sleep was intermittent and not deep.

Knowing that communicating my feelings and concerns to Evron wouldn’t impact or alter the decision I knew he wanted to make kept me stewing in this mental and emotional morass of my own making.

I’m not saying I’m responsible for Evron’s choices or decisions. I’m just saying that I didn’t do the things I needed to do to take care of me. When I communicated to him my perspective, feelings, and concerns about his employment situation, I knew that it wouldn’t sway his decision. I even had told him I just wanted him to listen and hear where I was coming from. I told him I would support him, regardless what his decision was. I wanted to mean the words.  However, there was still part of my co-dependent brain that believed that if I validated his feelings and made him feel encouraged and supported enough, then he would be able to listen to me and be swayed to do what I want and feel I need him to do.

So, instead of praying about it and doing the work I need to do to let go of the outcome, I kept myself attached and hooked to my desire for Evron to fall into line with what’s best for me. Knowing full well that wasn’t going to happen was mixing and stirring up this sense of hopelessness and inevitability.

I ate. I numbed out on food that would slow my brain and my thoughts. The slowing down of my thoughts meant that the feelings of fear and anger would be tamped down. So, when one of the social service providers came to do her scheduled home visit, I was able to talk to her without melting down into tears of fear, anger, and frustration. I was able to be completely raw and honest about what was going on in the current situation and the patterns in our lives that have gotten us to where we are.

It’s almost like being a functional alcoholic.

I did tell her that I’d overeaten and binged. She didn’t judge and even seemed to try to understand that it was an addiction. She compared it to quitting smoking cigarettes.

Anyway.

I got the text from Evron during my meeting with her that he didn’t want to go back to work for this company after his current shift was over. After she left, I texted him back and asked him what he was going to do, if he was just going to quit and try the staffing company. I hit the nail on the head, at least as far as him making yesterday his last day.

I didn’t eat anymore until dinner. I didn’t overeat any more than usual and kept my portion reasonable, even if it was a little more than I needed. I didn’t gorge myself as I had earlier.

By the time Evron got home, 16+ hours after he left the house, I was sufficiently brain numb with flat-lined emotions. Being that way at least kept me from starting an argument and making us both feel worse about the situation. Of course it also meant that I was distant, avoidant, and unavailable to him.

Today is a new day. I have a chance to choose a new way.

Lord, please help me to forgive myself and forgive Evron and trust that You are the source of our provision and that You have a plan. Help me to let go of my will and my expectations and give You the space to move in my heart, my head, and my life. Help me to leave Evron into Your love and Your care, knowing You can do for him what I cannot.  Amen

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